If you are reading this, it is likely you follow me on social media and know that we welcomed our newest addition to our family of now four. What joy! With the holidays now over, engagement season in full swing, and now newborn life upon us, I thought I'd take a moment in all the free time I have (insert LOL emoji here) to give you a glimpse of what we have been up to. 

Images by Charla Storey Photography; Swaddle design by Alli K Design 

Two is my favorite number. I do not have a particular reason why or magic story behind it, I just like the number. So when my first baby, Liem was born on February 10 at 22:22 (military time), I found that to be pretty neat. My second, Marigold was due on December 22, but waited until January 2 to even begin her way into the world. (Birth story to come soon!) All this to say, I find 'two' to be a recurring number in my life lately. Two weeks with two under two and my goodness have we learned and discovered a few things. Many have asked how we are doing and what life is like with two littles in our house. I can say there is more exhaustion, sometimes the days and/or nights are longer and the energy seems to continue to deplete, but the love and joy in our family is in overflowing. 

Change is hard

This is one of the biggest things I have had to grasp lately. I do not do well with change in general and there has been so much for all of us. When you have your first baby you're learning how to ebb and flow with one another, how to function on little to no sleep, and just your new role of being in charge of a tiny person. With your second you have already found the rhythm with one but now you have to figure out how to keep that going smoothly while adding in another beat and sometimes, it is just hard. It is physically demanding but also very emotionally intense, especially for your first born. Learning the boundaries and how to live around a new sibling is a lot to take in and as parents we really have to be mindful of his developing heart. 

Self-care is more important than ever

I learned this late into Liem's first year as I was working and stressing my tail off with breastfeeding and being a work from home mom. It is very easy to get lost in caring for someone else that you forget about yourself. The best advice I received during my struggles was "a well nourished and mentally-sound mother is the best care a child can have" and that has resonated with me since. I realized I was focused on the wrong things and was too exhausted to even find joy in the simple things of motherhood so I had to regroup. Now with two, I do not fight as hard. Not that I am not as intentional in my parenting or health choices, I just know my limits and do what I need to do to make sure I can be of sound mind. For me this looks like adding another day in the week where Liem will go to the babysitter (although I felt so guilty at first), choosing a nap over sweeping and picking up, and simply letting myself rest. I was in such a rush to get back in the swing of things, I forgot that I just grew a human and birthed her- my body is tired and needs to recover!

Another important factor to all of my self care is my loving husband. I have to make a note of this because you guys, Adam is a true MVP. I always get to shower and dry my hair everyday as I know this can be a luxury for some. He is mostly responsible for Liem right now as I get some healing, bonding and care time with Marigold. But he has already had both children by himself so I could run an errand and he actually dared me to go and leave him- that is some confidence because I still have a bit of fear of caring for both alone! What I am saying here is that it does take teamwork and the more of it you have, the more sane you both can be. 

Just survive

A piece of advice, or motto even, that follows you through your entire parenthood. I think our parents can say that is what they did with us, and sure there are so many more resources we have nowadays but sometimes there just aren't answers and we have to just survive. Forget housekeeping, I'll just leave that at that. Lately there have been a lot of shows. Yes, shows. Those that know us know that we worked very hard to have Liem screen-free and while he is still limited, we have found that sometimes we just need our busy guy to sit still and be occupied for a few minutes so in comes the shows. Especially since our Texas weather has been so frigid lately and limiting our outside play time. Some days routines are slightly off, but we roll with it. Some days our meals consist of just berries and cheese, but we roll with it. Just survive, just survive. 

You know more than you thought you did

When we were in the hospital with Marigold, we reminisced our experience as first time parents with Liem- how timid we were, how little we knew, and just how foreign everything was. This time around we knew the different things to ask and what was really of concern and what was "normal". It was refreshing. And maybe I can say that your skin is a bit thicker. You can understand what is a true cry that needs you, or when it is just baby knowing no other way to communicate so you just let her release for a little bit. Diaper changes are autopilot mode and you know the tips and tricks to dressing a wiggly newborn. Now I like to call us "seasoned parents". 

GRACE 

And finally, grace upon grace. Allow yourself this and soak in it. Nobody is perfect and nobody requires you to be, thank goodness we get to be human and leave all the perfection to our Father. Sometimes you will stumble as we already have and it has only been two weeks. But you will just get back up and get back to dancing. 

Is life crazy with two? Well? Is life ever not crazy? All I know is that I would never trade this for anything. Are there times I miss going out on a whim with friends or impromptu date nights? Absolutely, but this is where I am at and I love it. The cuddles, the bisous (kisses), the tantrums, I will take it all. These kids keep me on my toes and teach me so much everyday, I am honored to have been placed in their lives as their Mommy. 

Photography by Aly Renee Photography 

Here it is, tomorrow marks one whole year for our baby boy. In reality this is just a date on the calendar but if you've been here before, you know it is a big deal. A (sleepless) year we've kept our first born baby alive and survived parenthood thus far. At this time last year, we were relaxing as much as we could and trying to enjoy our last (quiet) moments as two, but so anxious to meet the little person that was going to change our lives forever. Little did we know that at 4 am that night/morning would we have signs of your arrival. I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. I had plenty of experience with children before so I had thought this to be somewhat easy, but there is so much more of the unknown. It is true when they say time flies, but there are some days it seems to hold still. One moment it feels like you're always going to cling to me until I blink and you're walking across the room. In this year alone I have learned so much and personally stretched in ways I never knew I could. I am certain there will be more to absorb as the years go on, but here are some thoughts I have gathered in this time.

Photography by The Moody Romantic

Social Life

As you go through life, some friends change and some remain a constant. As a teenager that was a hard concept for me to understand because we would be best friends forever, right? Well now I see how some relationships can drift with life leading the dynamics in different directions and interests can change. That is just a small part going into the "real world" and getting married. Add in children and your social life is very much different if existent at all. Leaving the house is an event that requires thoughtful effort and when you do make it out, it seems like the time clock is constantly ticking. After awhile, it just is easier to stick to your routine (especially if you've found a groove) and stay home. Finding a balance between being a social butterfly and accepting the new lifestyle of parenthood is tough. Frankly, it sucks to miss out but then that is where your mama tribe comes in. They will have a similar schedule to you and can hang out at 10am on a weekday or text at the most random hours. However, not all of my tribe is made of moms. I'm incredibly fortunate to have friends who don't have children, but are more than willing to help at a moment's notice, eat an early dinner like senior citizens so I can come before bedtime, and lift me when I feel completely exhausted. These girls fill in the gaps where the void of my mom holds strong. They make the holidays extra special and love on him with the asian culture (it's really more comedy for us) so he doesn't have to miss out. That kind of social life is worth hanging onto. 

Building Trust

The moment I became a mother, I felt like I was given new skin. It was like all of a sudden I had so many choices to make; many that would affect him at the current moment and some that would impact him forever. It was a large undertaking so learning to trust myself in making the right decisions is still something I am currently working on, but you do begin to truly find your grit as a mother and woman. Although I knew there would be a lot of offered advice on how to raise my children, nobody stressed to me how many different opinions would come my way about everything. I have to be honest and say I question myself all the time. Even with confirmation from "professionals", I would be afraid I was harming my son. That is a silly way to feel! Let's just say this new skin I have is becoming pretty thick. He is my son and I am doing the best I know how to. That should be enough. I spent a large portion of his life doubting everything because of the criticism I would receive about his size and what I choose to feed or not to feed him. He is not perfect, I will gladly admit that, but he is exactly where he needs to be and I am proud of trusting my instinct and him for developing like he has. (I have to do a mini celebration that he's never been sick! Go Liem!)  Some days it feels like I have lost the "me" I have always been, but I can boldly say most days I feel I have grown into a stronger me. 

I have also learned to trust Liem. In the first year you are given all of these milestones to meet and charts for your child to fit in which can start to get overwhelming especially when you miss one, so then you start doing "research". I will say this right now: it goes down a dark hole of worry. The best thing I have ever done for myself is to let go and let him be. So he's started standing and I'm worried he's going to fall backwards? After a few falls, he learned to slowly lower himself down every single time. He's starting to climb down things headfirst? He learned really quickly you turn yourself around and go legs first. It's amazing to watch your baby learn and discover the world surrounding him- it's so beautiful and blows my mind. The sitting will come, the walking will come, etc. even without the propping and walker gadgets. When he is ready for the next step, he will just do it and it's just incredible to witness! This is certainly not an easy thing for me to do pre-Liem as I love to hover and worry, but this year has given me the tools to just be patient and trust!

Photography by The Moody Romantic

My Marriage

For our marriage, parenting really threw us some curveballs as a unit. If you thought newlywed life was challenging, buckle in the for the ride as new parents. Some days you are not going to be on the same page mixed with exhaustion and it just wears down the flow of the team. There are moments when you feel all alone, and there are times when leaning on each other is the only answer. This is where the 50/50 partnership ends. Some days you don't have anything left and your husband has to pick up all the slack. You guys, grace is where it's at. Without it, I am not sure I would even have a marriage. You have to know where to give in different situations because the fight is not worth it anymore and I honestly believe this fortifies the foundation of our marriage. Adam, watching you become a father and taking the journey of parenthood with you has been one of the best adventures we have ever been on. Our son is one lucky boy to have you raising him. 

Photography by Charla Storey This is Liem in PARIS! 

Heart Renovation

It has never been more apparent to me that I am a sinner. Being married may highlight a few of my flaws, but being a mother puts it all on the stage. I have seen firsthand the impact of my sin on Liem and gosh, it definitely makes you want to reevaluate your heart and pray for change. Earlier in this year, I would find myself struggling with how I was still going to have all of my cake and eat it to. I began to learn quickly that it does not go that way. Sometimes you have to give some of that cake to your baby and it's the most grateful selflessness you can offer. I may not have thought so at the time, but as you can see, hearts DO change! :)

I used to find satisfaction in busy. I had this idea that a productive day of knocking things off the list was good for the soul. When I could not achieve that goal anymore because we did not have a routine, or when we were just so exhausted from the night before, I would be so irritated with myself. Now, my heart has found pure joy in pausing and enjoying those little moments, finding excitement in the smallest things, and relishing in doing nothing but spending time together. 

Photography by The Tarnos (Yall, this itty bitty bottom!) 

When I was planning this post, I didn't really have a direction for it or know exactly what I wanted to write. There was so much feeling to express I could barely sort it out. There just aren't enough words or the right ones to accurately convey these moments and what I have learned from them. This may not have been my most eloquent post, but it sure is the most raw. Being Liem's mom has been the most humbling, heart-shaping, and captivating experience I have ever felt and I cannot be more grateful for this job. Even on the days when I feel like I have completely flopped on balancing it all, one look at him and I know all is well. As I am tired and hope for good sleep again one day, I am so inspired by the entirety of motherhood. Liem, I pray you know what a treasure you are to us. Being chosen to be your parents is a privilege we will not take for granted. Happy First Birthday, our little dumpling, cub, and bubba! 

For all of the photographers that have documented his first year of life, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I am forever grateful to have these beautiful photos to look back on and see how much our little boy has grown! 

Photography by Charla Storey 

Today I'm writing about a topic that I think many in my circle can relate to in our stage of life. The "B Word", otherwise known as breastfeeding. If you find this to be irrelevant to you right now, bookmark this and come back ;) We've all heard this before: "Breast is best" and with more natural care coming into the forefront, for some of us it's no question we'll attempt to breastfeed from day one. As we become new mothers, we are offered all sorts of classes teaching us how to embark this journey and learn different techniques to feed our little ones this amazing "liquid gold", but what we aren't prepared for is the real trenches. 

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: breastfeeding is the hardest thing I've ever done. It has taken a toll on me both physically and emotionally. I feel as though my mind, body, and soul has been stretched in ways I could never imagine. This may sound a bit dramatic about something that is so natural, but it is a true feeling. Before I dive any deeper, I want to be very clear that any choice a mother makes for her child is because it is what she feels is best and that is the bottom line. Nobody knows a child better than his mother. Along with that, I think it should be understood every mother and every baby is different, as this is the experience I've had with Liem and the choices I've chosen for our family. I do think the emotional impact of the topics I'm about to discuss somehow relate to us all. 

The perseverance that is required  

I'll be honest here, when I was pregnant and getting coupons and formula samples, I thought to myself, "Why would I ever need this? In fact no mom should need this if she can produce milk and should work her hardest to breastfeed her baby." Oh how I didn't know! I completely understand why any mother would make the switch and offer an alternative to breast milk. It is incredibly hard to keep going or sometimes even start! If you have chosen this route, do not beat yourself up. You're amazing for feeding and caring for your baby! It is a lot of work. For us specifically, we enlisted the help of many different professionals and therapies to get to the rhythm we have today (chiropractic care, pediatric dentist, myofascial therapy). I've wanted to quit so many times for so many different reasons. I get it now. In one of my many meltdowns throughout these past several months about whether or not I should keep going, I received some advice from a wise mom in my mommy tribe: "What is even better than the mom with the healthiest breast milk or the most nutrient dense, organic formula is a mentally sound, well-rested mother and a healthy, well-nourished marriage. That is what your baby needs most." What a perspective that was for me. 

The effect on marriage

Any progress we've made here has been made possible only with help of Adam. Yes, I may be doing the heavy load of producing and feeding, but his support and help is everything. (Special shout out to the single moms who do this on their own. You're heroes!) He gets the pump set up every morning and night, prepares the bottles if we bottle feed, manages the freezing, and sterilizes the parts. Sounds like small tasks, but they are tedious. Teamwork is key! But, of all the things we've gone through together in our marriage, this has probably been the source of our biggest quarrels. When you combine an over exhausted and stressed mom with a dad who feels helpless, it just does not add up to the marital bliss like it was before baby. Moms can be extra sensitive and no matter what he says, it's never the right thing. I say to hang in there and remember that it won't always be this way. Your baby will not demand as much from you both and you will get to love on your relationship once again. I hope to write in a future post how we've managed to weather through this storm :)

The emotional strain

I have a lot of words for this one, but to simply put it- it's emotionally exhausting. You spend all of your days calculating around the clock when to feed and/or when to pump, so on a regular basis that is what your mind is filled with. When you don't produce as well one day, you feel like you've failed at your job that day.  Think about this (especially you exclusive breastfeeding mamas): every single ounce your baby has gained and his success in development is because of what your body has made to feed him. Isn't that so amazing, but also a lot of pressure at once? And then there's the peanut gallery. You have been working so hard to eat enough of the right things, making sure you produce plenty and everyone has some kind of commentary on your progress. Some are well meaning yet still judgmental, and some oblivious to how it affects us as moms. These opinions wear down our confidence as a mother and the choices we've made for our family and can be simply deflating. When did being a mother require so much defense and explanation? We are the ones spending all of our time with our babies and we're the ones doing all of the research, discussion, and seeking out resources for information and knowledge. It would just make sense for us to be trusted and supported in our instincts. 

The physical strain

The great thing about breastfeeding is that you do burn a lot of calories, but this is not what causes the physical strain. As long as you continue to breastfeed, your body still doesn't look like it did before pregnancy. Things are still fuller than they used to be and because you're trying to eat so much to produce, the baby weight just doesn't "fall off" as easily. Fashion also takes a backseat. Those cute rompers and dresses you used to wear have to wait because if you cannot easily lift it up or pull down for him to access, you'll end up sitting in a bridal suite during one of your weddings pumping in just your panties because you thought you'd wear a cute dress to work. (No, that never happened to me...) Another physical strain is if you're in a social setting, you are closed off to people during feeding or pumping sessions because you don't want to be exposed or make anyone uncomfortable. Unless you're in Europe. It's all free and natural there! 

With all of this said (and I know it's a lot), however far you get in your journey, it is worth it. Breastfeeding is such a beautiful bond we as mothers get to have with our babies and truly a blessing God has given to us to be able to provide. Nobody else gets to experience this but us! I write all of these grievances to express the struggles of breastfeeding, but I hope to encourage other mothers who are in the thick of it as well. When you become a mother, your heart and soul undergoes an incredibly large change. You gain this sixth sense for your children that nobody will ever understand but yourself. You are the one that gets to make the decisions and have the power to guide and raise your children into the person you want him to be. Of all of this, the most mind blowing thing is you also get to change your mind on your terms along the way as you are learning and stretching. Try not to let anyone rob you of enjoying motherhood and cloud it with worry or stress you're doing something wrong. Remember that you know your baby best and you're doing an unbelievable job. Hugs!  

Photography by The Moody Romantic

"It's been awhile" seems to be the theme of most intros to these posts, but I'd like to change that and hopefully that will if you've been following along on my other social media outlets. I'm taking a few steps back and trying to do a little less laboring, and a lot more savoring, at least for the summer. Since Liem has been born, things have been a little crazy (also another reoccurring theme in life lately) and as much as I say over and over again that I do love my job and couples, the moments are fleeting so let's change the theme here. 

Now that I've been a mom for all but twenty minutes ;) I thought I'd share a few thoughts and tips I've gathered so far on this journey of motherhood. As you read this, I want to you to know, there is no amount of advice or research that can compare to your own mother instinct. It's a strong sense, trust it most in times of fret!

Family bond

Those first few days you and your family arrive home from the hospital are so precious. It's a time you are getting to know each other and settling in together. I had some good advice to cherish this time and to limit visitors/help so there is an intimate environment. Those quiet moments of a family of three are once in a lifetime, don't take it for granted. I know you're thinking, "I'm going to need the help!" but let me give a bit of insight. If your husband gets a bit of time off with you guys, you're all set. At first your baby only needs you, especially if you're breastfeeding so there is not much extra hands can do. Take visitors as you'd like and are ready for, but reserve the time as you need. You'll all appreciate the quiet.

Quiet time

Speaking of quiet time, infants are very easily and quickly over stimulated. I repeat, they are very easily over stimulated. Of course you've heard that you'll want your baby to get adjusted to your daily life and routine so they'll need to be around the everyday noises of your home, but making sure they're in a calming environment is equally as important. Follow your baby's cues and understand if the restaurant is too much, or if there are too many new faces in his. You have to remember, they just came out of a very protected and cozy place into this busy world, be sensitive to that! 

Breastfeeding

Gosh, this could use a whole post within itself. Every mom has her own experience and it may be very different with each child, but I will say I've loved breastfeeding. It's a special bond between myself and Liem and I find it so amazing that my body is able to produce food to nourish him. I will admit it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done- yes, even harder than birth! Sounds crazy, but here are my reasons: You still have to upkeep a solid diet to keep good production and if they don't react well to anything, you have to rid that of your intake too. Saying bye to things like cheese and bread is not fun! Sometimes you can feel like a prisoner because those first few months when they eat every two hours doesn't let you go very far without baby, and it can be painful until you get whatever the issue is resolved. It also takes will power. It is your choice whether you choose to breastfeed, so it can be easy to want to quit. (I do want to make it clear that you are no less of a mother if you choose this route!)  It's one of the hardest dances you'll learn together, but once you do, it's so special. 

Take care of yourself

There is so much in postpartum that isn't always discussed and I can understand why- it's not the most attractive thing to talk about! Our bodies have gone through an incredible amount of stress and work, and then we must care for the new joy so self care can be overlooked. This is when the extra help can be really useful. Take the time to shower, sneak in a nap when you can, step out of the house alone even if it's just for 45 minutes. Your body is healing physically and emotionally. Whatever you need, allow for yourself to have it. Don't feel guilty, you deserve it! 

Survive

 If you were anything like me, you read a few books and googled your heart out about parenting trying to take a crash course on how to be a good mommy. There is so much research out there about how to do it right and what not to do, but once you're in the deep trenches of it all, it's a bit different. You just have to do what you have to do and survive. All that you read about what you're baby is supposed to be doing right now but not? Listen to your him and ride the waves, he'll let you know when he is ready. 

Grace

And finally, this is the best advice I can give- allow yourself some grace. You're not always going to get it right. You're not always going to feel like a rockstar, but you are doing your best and that is exactly what your little one needs. There are going to be days you're just not sure this is exactly what you want, or if you are cut out for motherhood, but when you look at your sweet babe, there is your reassurance. Being a mother is hard work and self-sacrificing, but such a joy nobody can understand until you are one yourself. 

People tell you all the time to treasure every day of these first moments because they fly by and I cannot agree more. It's almost as if every time you blink there is a new milestone. Seriously, enjoy every second!

Photography by The Moody Romantic

The last time I was typing on here I was still pregnant playing the waiting game and little to my knowledge, I was experiencing the onset of labor. It was my first time so who knew what to expect! About 11 hours later, my entire world changed. 

The morning of February 10, 2016 I woke up at 4:30am with signs that labor could possibly be happening. I frantically woke up Adam and he called our doula. When she told us to relax and try to get some sleep because the time could be coming, I burst into tears. I was scared of what was to come, but mostly so sad to end my pregnancy. I knew we were going to meet our little miracle, but fear and anxiety overcame any excitement I could've had. I began to have a few minor contractions, but they went away so when we called our OB later in the morning, he also said to hang tight and relax because it could be coming but it'll be awhile. 

The contractions came back around 10am, but we decided to try to go about our day. Adam stayed home from work so we did some errands: Hobby Lobby, Sam's Club, etc. You know, usual places you go to when you're in labor :) The day went on and the contractions kept coming, but they were never consistent enough for us to be fully alarmed. We learned in our birthing classes that 5-1-1 (five minutes apart, lasting 1 minute long, for 1 whole hour) meant it was "active labor" and definitely time to get into the hospital. With that in mind, I just tried to distract myself and bear down every time a contraction came around. The day went on and evening finally rolled around. We decided to get me a smoothie since I didn't eat too much at lunch and right around then was when the pain just intensified. Again, they were still not on that specific pattern but I felt it was enough to alert the hospital. When we got ahold of the Doctor on call, he said to just come in. I'm so glad we did because by the time we had gotten there, I was fully dilated and it was time to push! I had completely labored at home and if we were there any longer, Adam might've had to catch the baby! 

When I came into this, I wasn't sure what to expect or to feel. After all of the birthing classes, the books I read, and the late night google searches, I had this image that I'd give birth ever so gracefully with my hair done in a nice braid and makeup on. I got a chance to shower and that was all I could do manage through those contractions. I arrived at the hospital in my pajamas, and a raggedy pony tail. I figured out really quick none of that mattered. What was about to happen was far beyond a braid or some blush. 

For this part of the experience I always describe it as getting ready to go on show for Broadway. Stay with me here. We got checked in, the nurse told me change into a gown, and there were so many people rolling all sorts of equipment in and shuffling around getting the "set" ready. Then they got me on the hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of gadgets, and then- the lights came on and it was "showtime". 

The doctor that was on call didn't know he was on call and was actually out to dinner with his family, whoops! As soon as he got there and scrubbed in, we were ready to push. Now here, is where it all really gets real. Every ache and pain was magnified at this point since I didn't have any medication and I could feel my body making the changes to prepare for the final stage of labor. I was so exhausted, and I wanted to quit so many times, but I tried to keep my focus and get ready to meet our baby boy. That was by far the most intense hour of my entire life. And then, I heard the cry. I don't know if it was because I was so worn out by this point that I've blocked out every single noise, but it was as if the entire room was silenced and there was this little babe announcing his arrival. 

Then the came the rush of feelings. My adrenaline was racing through my body, I felt like I just finished two marathons back to back and won first place in both. My heart was going to burst because the life that was once living inside of me is staring at me bright-eyed and snuggling on me like he knew exactly who I was. I felt like I won the lottery because the two boys that were loving on me at that very second made me the luckiest girl in the world. An amazing moment to never forget. 

Robert Liem Whitten, we are entirely enamored by you and have loved every single minute of your life here with us. We treasure all of the little noises you make in your sleep, the way your eyes stare deep into ours for , and watching you figure out your new world. Our lives may have completely changed and will never go back, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Sweet boy, we love you so. 

All photography courtesy of our dear and sweet friend, Aly Renee Photography